May 5, 2020
Merry Christmas, book fans! The Pauls went to their local Blockbuster with a hollowed-out copy of Donna Tartt's The Goldfinch under each arm, the plan being to smuggle out every single copy of Double Impact to watch it on Salt's many screens – unfortunately for them the Blockbuster store manager Keith spotted them coming a mile off and ran over to those succulent boys, madly waving his hands above his head and sweating like a mad horse.
"Thank God you're here," said Keith. "Let's get this sorted once and for all – this time for Jesus."
After which he emptied a bin bag full of the smashed remains of every The Goldfinch DVD he had into our scooped-out books, filling any gaps with fast-hardening glue. His teeth were audibly grinding in the frenzy. Neither Paul nor I dared meet his eye.
"Now eye, brain and ear are whole again," he ejaculated, pulling down his trousers and saluting us. "Go, brave warriors! Godspeed to the Void!" He waved until we could no longer see him or his ball over the curvature of the Earth.
One of the Pauls wept all the way home and collapsed into violent racially-motivated swearing several minutes before reaching the safety of his soundproofed hate-room, but the other handsomer one thumbed the pudding mass of DVD shards into the VCR his mum was saving for karaoke nights, but not before slapping his friend eight or nine times in the face like you would any hysterical person. As luck would have it, the reformed disc shards played every beat of Double Impact completely without fault.
But this episode is about The Goldfinch.
Featuring: popular character from The Goldfinch Pippo, Sarah Bilson, Movie Dad, My Favourite Russian, spoilers, a faithful adaptation and a Pipers crisp.
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